Where is she now? My reason for self sabotage.

A few years ago, I briefly mentioned in my blog that I had no idea why I was overweight.  Why had I suffered from eating disorders?  Why I was still suffering from self-sabotage, when I had never had any of the tragic events you hear so often girls have growing up.  I was never abused physically, or mentally.  I grew up in a humble, but loving home. My parents, I kid you not, were about the most amazing parents you could ever imagine, and still are.  I was always the pretty, petite girl who “should be in modeling.” So why, then, did I start sabotaging myself at the young age of 13?  Years and years I’ve thought about this.  It bugged me!  I am not supposed to be “broken,” I had a perfect life!  Why then, did I stop eating? Why did I eat desserts with the full intent to go vomit immediately after?  Why did I binge, then starve? Why did I drink a gallon of water before bed with the hope to “flush out the bad” overnight?  Why did I later overeat and drink alcohol excessively?  Why, why, why?

Jump ahead to 2011.  I decided that I was too physically uncomfortable in my own skin and felt downright ugly.  I felt that if I didn’t change something, my size 20 body would rapidly grow to a size they didn’t make clothes for and I wouldn’t be able to be the parent I wanted to be, and let’s face it, I would die a lot sooner than I wanted to leave this world. 

My husband and his sister are natural born runners.  They were designed to run and they’re awesome at it.  I lugged my kids to a few of their marathon races and 5k’s and was so inspired.  Look at all these healthy people running and the really ‘good’ ones are all so skinny!  I want to be that.  And so, I set out to be just that.  I decided that as my New Year’s Resolution in 2012, I would run one race per month.  I ran 14 races in 2012 and I joined Weight Watchers.  I went from a size 20 to a size 8. People didn’t stop mentioning how in shape I was, asking when my next race was, asking how my arms could be SO toned and how they could duplicate that, I’m not going to lie, it was a good year.  I felt great!  As long as I continued to run every day for 3-6 miles and lift weights every day for an hour and keep my calories in check (or points as the Weight Watchers community calls them) and avoid excess fun, I could sustain this feeling of being “good.”  

Eventually, I figured out that if I starved myself a little more, I could allow myself some wine and if I starved just a little more than that, more wine.  I quit Weight Watchers and started obsessing about diets that were even more restrictive.  Low carb, no carb, vegan, paleo, keto, you name it, I did it.  I always found some other rational, overall healthy “good” reason I told people I was doing it.  In reality, I was OBSESSED with what I shouldn’t eat.  I had just adopted yet another eating disorder, but that was a seemingly small sacrifice to maintain my new identity.

Over the next 2 years, I sustained this craziness and maintained a size 8-10.  Eventually, I met new people who didn’t know I had ever been overweight.  The comments changed from, “wow, you’ve done so well, you look so good,” to, “you don’t know what it’s like, you’re fit.”  The attention faded and the craziness became unsustainable as life took over.

 

In January of 2015, I became sick….really sick.  I was not working out much as my job and family life kept me busier than I had ever been.  I’ll spare you the gory details, but eventually, I was having stomach pains so excruciating and was bleeding internally.  I went to the ER one morning when I felt too much pain, and let’s face it, was afraid I might be dying.  They admitted me to the hospital where they performed some pretty invasive testing.  Two months and many more tests later, I had a diagnosis of Ulcerative Colitis.  Ulcerative Colitis (or often referred to as UC) is an autoimmune disease where your immune system kicks into overdrive in response to stress and creates bleeding ulcers in your colon.  When you’re having a “flare” as they call it, you cannot properly digest food and are constantly in the bathroom, often times passing blood.  Fun times!  BUT it was not cancer, whew!

Though I did not have cancer, I now had a disease that I would have to maintain for the rest of my life, because if I don’t, it could kill me.  Nothing like being slapped in the face with a lifelong disease to get your mind in check.  I had to reduce stress and I had to do it quickly.  Luckily, I had the opportunity to quit my corporate career and move into a career that was much less demanding.  That helped reduce the stress I was feeling from my job. I still, however, was feeling the mental stress of not being good enough.  The voice to be thinner, be prettier, be fitter, do more races, be better, just kept nagging at me.  Instead of listening to what that voice was saying at face value, I decided to step back to try to find out why the voice was there in the first place.  When the voice would tell me what I was eating was bad for me, or that I needed to exercise to lose weight, or that if I ate ice cream I should throw up, or that I needed to weigh myself to see if I was “good or bad,” or needed to oblige every request for my time, I would recognize the voice, realize it was irrational and take steps to make my body less stressed and healthier.  And I learned how to say “NO,” both to myself and others around me, even those I love most. 

Keeping stress at bay is a lifelong task, but life is better than it has ever been….even now, when I’m physically larger than I was, even now having a disease.  Currently I am learning how to deal with situations where other women vocally self-sabotage around me.  I haven’t fully mastered these situations yet, but I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t get angry at them for doing it and I don’t agree with what they are saying just because it’s the “comfortable” thing to do. 

So back to my original question….why did I start sabotaging myself?  It became clear when I asked myself, what is your story?  We all have a story, what was mine?  Well, I grew up hearing how beautiful I was, how little I was, how I should be a model, and then one day that stopped.  I was conditioned to think that my identity was to be small and pretty.  If that is who I was born to be, what was I to do when that was who I no longer was?  Then the answer became clear.  I was trying to maintain an identity that was so innocently and effortlessly ingrained into me.  It’s that simple.

Though I’ve dealt with my fair share of struggles, as most people have, I don’t regret any of it.  Do I wish that I had never started a self-sabotaging cycle, maybe, but then I wouldn’t be the person I am today.  I will tell you that because of everything I’ve gone through and the changes I’ve made, I am going to try my very hardest to make sure that my children don’t have to endure this kind of suffering. I focus much of the attention I used to use sabotaging myself on raising healthy, loving children and a HUGE part of that is making sure I am healthy mentally and physically for them.  After all, we only have one life and we don’t know how long it is going to be, make it a good one!

Mo Money, Mo Money, Mo Money!

Every year around this time, I am faced with the task...ok, more the insatiable drive to rake through our finances and find savings wherever possible.  It's almost an exciting game for me.  (That tells you how utterly exciting I am.) You see, although I am not the proverbial breadwinner of my household, I am the financial controller of the Benecke Family.

So, you may be asking, how does one begin to tackle savings?  Do you have to commit to some crazy, messy couponing and bulk shopping in order to save twenty bucks here or there?  You can, if that's what floats your boat. Some people find it to be a relaxing hobby,while I find it almost as enjoyable as a root canal.  I choose the path of least resistance.  If it requires constant busy work, I won't do it.

My first area of focus is insurance.  I find this to be the area where you can make the biggest impact in savings. Yes, it requires some phone calls and busy work initially, but once you find what you're looking for and get the enrollment setup, all you have to do is watch while your bank balance stays higher than it was last year.  This year, I was able to save $130 per month on health insurance alone! Many people think that health insurance "is what it is." No so by any means!   Just because your employer offers health insurance, doesn't mean it is going to be your best bet financially.  Certainly it may not be the best financial investment when it comes to insuring your family.  Get a broker, shop around.  A good broker will actually watch rates and call you if s/he finds a better plan for your family.

Next up, you got it, all other insurance.  Always shop around for home, auto, and life insurance.  Always.  Don't assume that since you shopped last year and got the lowest rates, that those rates are your best bet this year.  A couple phone calls could mean saving $100 plus monthly.

The next step, comb through all those regular monthly bills that you just pay without thought all year.  Cancel any subscriptions and services you are not using, or are not using to their full capacity.  This can be cable TV, monthly massage memberships, car wash memberships, gym memberships, tanning, cell phone app subscriptions, magazines, the list is endless.  We cancelled cable a few years ago and cut $200 plus monthly.  Not one single regret since giving it up.  If you are a sucker for these types of memberships, you could find HUGE savings in this area.

Finally, the painful part.  Look to see where you're spending regularly, but really don't need to be or could stand to cut back.  This is where you resolve to cut your daily Starbucks habit to once a week, reduce the frequency in getting pedicures, start renting movies instead of purchasing every movie you'd like to see, instead of eating out everyday for lunch pack your lunch Monday through Thursday and treat yourself on Friday.  Start a menu and make a food budget and STICK TO IT.  If you're an impulse shopper, make a list and do not stray from the list.  Get your groceries delivered instead of shopping at those stores that are brilliantly setup to ensure you impulse buy an average of $30 more than you plan on per shopping trip.  You know those stores (and you know who you are.)

Once you've done all of this, you'll be shocked at how much per month you can actually save.  Although it may require some sacrifice, it's much less painful than getting a second job!  If you're one to spend more than you make, use this monthly savings to focus on paying down credit lines with the highest interest rates.  Once you are able to live within your means, you will find the feeling of financial stability to be far more rewarding than any of the "material things" you were wasting your money on before.

And folks, I call that progress...and it is good.

It’s been 11 ½ months since I started this journey, and this weekend I completed my 12^th race.  I've learned more that I ever imagined I would, accomplished more than I ever thought possible, and I actually found a love and passion for fitness; something I always new I needed to incorporate into my life but never thought I’d learn to enjoy.  I am a completely changed Me! 

Looking back, I wasn't unhappy.  I wasn't feeding some underlying emotional issue.  Looking back, I genuinely enjoyed (still enjoy) food and was lazy.  What I have found is a higher level of happiness and self-assuredness I never knew existed.  I explain it like having children.  Your life before kids may not suck, and it may be fantastic and amazing, but once you have a child, you discover a higher level of love that you never knew existed, and life is even more amazing than you could have ever imagined because of it.  It’s a good place to be and I don’t plan on leaving it anytime soon. 

I have two more races this year to wrap up 2012 with a grand total of 14!  I am already planning my goals for next year and am so excited at what lies ahead.  With 41 pounds lost, I have another 20 to go and my focus will be gaining muscle and getting ripped.  I have already signed up for the 2013 Warrior Dash and am planning on completing a Sprint Triathlon in June.  A half marathon will most likely be my next race goal for the spring of 2013.  I have discovered a clean eating diet and with more diligence and self-control, I am confident that eating clean will change me in ways I can’t yet imagine.  Life is short, life is delicate, and life is good.  Get out there and live it!  I challenge you to become the best you that you can be.  I promise, you won’t regret it!

Food

Ahh, the delicate topic of food.  For a person with an eating disorder, whether eating too much or not enough, food is tricky.  Unlike other addictions, you can’t give up food.  I’ve learned to manage my “diet” (I know people hate that word, but all other animals have diets and food intake is too long to write out) pretty well over the last 6 months.  I do not follow any type of diet that restricts me from eating anything.  I’ve tried that before, and although it worked for a short period of time, I found it doesn’t work in the long haul for me…. And my ultimate objective is to have a “long haul” so to speak.

I joined Weight Watchers (WW) the first week of January this year.  I love the plan because it forces you to track your food intake and encourages eating to live and eating healthy, satisfying, nourishing foods. Fruits and most vegetables are considered free foods, so you can eat as much as you like.  The new plan assigns a points value to each and every food calculated by the fat, protein, fiber and carbohydrate content of the food.  I go to a meeting at the same time every week to weigh in and listen to the topics; it’s really helpful.  The one gripe I have about the plan is that it doesn’t encourage exercise enough. 

After a few months of WW I decided to really start tracking (and increasing) my lean protein intake.  Once I got to the point where I was exercising intensely, I found I needed and wanted more protein increase to build, maintain and repair muscle mass.  After all, the more muscle you have, the bigger your fat burning engine is!  I started tracking using the iPhone app, My Fitness Pal and increased my protein intake to 120 g of protein per day and ate about 1300-1400 total calories per day. I did NOT cut out carbs, but did decrease them after 3PM.  Though my weight loss has been slow, I’ve been shrinking at a rapid rate.  This tells me that what I’m doing to increase my muscle mass and burn more fat is working. 

Do I occasionally have a margarita or a burger or even pizza and cake? Of course I do!  I don’t think you can deprive yourself of the things you really like for very long before you hit a breaking point and overindulge or quit all together.  I have learned to find healthier alternatives of the treats I like (side note: Crystal Light makes some really tasty drink mixers)  and if there isn’t a healthy alternative, I cut the rest of my daily calories way back and get in some extra calorie burning exercise to make up for it.  It’s all about balance. 

To those I’ve spoken to that say, “I’d love to do what you’re doing, but I like to eat.” I say, so do I….but you can’t eat 2500+ calories per day as an overweight person and expect to lose weight….not unless you’re willing to run 10 miles a day to burn off the thousand extra calories you’re consuming.  And my friend, after eating a ginormous, cheese-covered burrito with all the fixins, trust me you won’t want to run 10 miles.

I know that’s a vague overview of my diet, and if you’re interested in any details I am always happy to share and help.  My email is mandellah@gmail.com, FB name is Mandi Curran Benecke and my cell is 720-384-6572 if you are ever out and would like to text.  I share all of this because other people shared with me and it helped me get to where I am now.  I am eternally grateful and would love nothing more than to help and inspire those who are on or would like to be on this journey with me.  Cheers friends, to a gorgeous holiday weekend!  Get out and enjoy some fresh fruit, turkey burgers and a nice swim or jog, because YOU are worth it!

"Run Forest Run!"

I began this blog and started this journey with a few main goals in mind.  I called them "resolutions" at the time.  There were three of them.  I've mastered chopsticks, not much to say about that other than YUM.  I failed miserably, although not regretfully, at buying only 2nd hand clothing, and I've run 4 races so far this year, with my 5th race this Sunday.  I'll actually be ahead by 1 race!

I really started training on January 14th, 2012.  Never having been a runner and never having the desire to run, I never expected it to become the addiction it is today.  Back in January I started with an average pace time of over 13 minutes per mile, that is snail crawling pace for many people, but baby steps right?  I kept on and by April 14th, 4 months later (and over 100 miles run) my average pace was right around 11 minutes per mile.  I still walk from time to time, although I've been able to complete 3 and even 4 mile runs without walking.  I call this progress people, and it feels AMAZING! 

I've heard the phrase, "I run because I can't afford therapy."  I've come to realize how true that phrase is.  Therapy is expensive!  :)  Seriously though, it is amazing what a healthy exercise habit can do for your mind, soul, health, and oh yeah, your body.  Speaking of body, I'll post a picture taken yesterday. 

I feel good (insert James Brown dance here) and finally everyone around me sees it, not only physically, but in my self confidence. 

So often I hear people say they admire my motivation, but they just don't have the time to exercise.  I can tell you, if you continue to think that way, and live in the same routine you live now, you never will.  You really do have to change your life.  I wake up an hour earlier than my kids to run, and for those of you who know my kids, you know that's pretty freakin' early.  I get myself and two children ready, drop off at daycare, off to work for 9 hours, back home.  Eat dinner quickly so I have enough time for it to digest so that after my kids go to bed, I can get some strength training or yoga in before I go to bed and do it all over again.  Am I complaining? Absolutely not!  I feel so much better and every aspect of my life is so much more manageable now.  My point is, if you want to see change, you have to put in the effort (a lot of it) to make the changes, because what you were doing before led you to where you are today and nobody else is going to make those changes for you.  And now I must sign off, because 4:30am comes very early and I have a date with my tennis shoes and 4 miles of glorious pavement.  Perhaps I'll see you along the way!

Emotional Revelations

I always pondered why I was overweight.  You always hear others’ stories about how they became fat to cope with a bad childhood, unhappy marriage, tragedy, psychological issues but I do not have, nor have I ever had any of that.  My life has been amazing.  My parents are the best you could ask for, I was never abused, never been on psych meds, I have a wonderful marriage with two perfect kids, I love my life!  So why am I fat?  I cannot deny that genetics play a part, but I cannot truthfully blame it fully on genetics. 

When I was a teenager, I had a short scuffle with anorexia.  That, I always knew began after a comment from a relative I hadn’t seen in a while.  They commented jokingly on how I’d gotten chubby.  It was pretty much immediately after that when I decided to stop eating regularly and drink a gallon of water before bed at night.  I dropped just over 20 pounds in a very short amount of time.  I don’t recall how or when I started eating again, but it was before I had gotten to the point where anyone (except my mother) would worry. 

Fast forward to today, over 15 years (ouch!) later.  Recently, I was at a store and was overjoyed when every single piece of clothing in a “normal” women’s size (not plus sized) I tried on fit and fit well.  My butt actually looked not only smaller than it was just 2 months before, but it looked awesome!  I couldn’t wait to get home to put on my new normal clothes.  When I did, I felt unbelievable.  I can’t tell you the last time I felt like a normal person instead of noticeably fatter than everyone else around me.  Much to my dismay, when I went out that day, no one I knew said anything.  Not.  One.  Word.  (Well, to my husband’s credit, he did, but he’s always complimented me.)  I was instantly discouraged.  Did I have a false image of myself?  Did all my efforts really not show as much as I thought they did?  It was at that moment I created the side-by-side comparison that most of you have seen (and if I figure out how to post it here I will) and posted it to my wall on Facebook.  The response was overwhelmingly positive.  Not only did I get the reassurance that my efforts really had made a difference, but to my surprise, some people looked at me as an “inspiration.”  ME!

This felt AMAZING!  It also left me questioning why I needed that positive reinforcement when I’ve never been one to seek out attention.  I used the time I had during one of my long runs to analyze why I needed the “attention.”  I realized, most of my life, I’ve been fortunate enough to get comments pretty regularly about how pretty I was, or how my hair always looked good, etc.  At some point when I started gaining weight, those comments were less frequent and since my self confidence had weakened significantly, I didn’t expect them, nor did I want to accept them if I did get them.  I knew I was fat and so any compliments I received I chalked up to people just trying to be nice.  When I finally did something about it and was proud of my results, I guess I expected the people around me (geographically) to notice, and to say something.  I say “geographically” because during my journey, I’ve had the great fortune to have a whole group of good friends I met through the online community who are unbelievably supportive and motivating.  They helped me through, they are the ones who helped me get where I am today.

I say all of this not to make anyone around me feel bad, not to make you feel bad for me, and not to seek out attention.  I said this because it's MY blog and I can say whatever the hell I want... but seriously.  No matter who you are, or what your personality, you need POSITIVE support whether you think you do or not.  If you find you do not have the support around you that you need, seek it out.  I can’t tell you how much it will enhance your success, and your happiness!

Staying Motivated

It's been about 5 weeks that I've been on Weight Watchers and on this journey to a healthier, more athletic me.  Its good.  The other day, I was feeling a bit discouraged and reached out to an inspiration.  (Those are the friends who I find most motivating and encouraging.  I keep them close at hand.) I told her, I feel so discouraged.  I have been doing great.  I've lost nearly 10 pounds, I ran a 5 mile race (5 miles, not just 5k!), I am in control and on track, but knowing that I have another 50-60 pounds to go is overwhelming and daunting.  I know this isn't a diet, I know I'll need to (and truth be told I want to) be doing this for the rest of my life, but 50 pounds, that's a huge hill!  She reminded it me that it's not about 50 pounds; it's about the next 5 or 10 pounds.  Whatever it is, my mini goal, the next step in the road.  She also sent me a website of a very inspirational woman who took this journey, needing to lose nearly triple the weight I need to and has been at her goal and maintaining.  Something in her blog stuck with me.  She said:
            "I think what was most helpful was living one day at a time. With 100+ pounds to go before I reached the finish line of weight loss, it was very easy to become discouraged when I looked at the big picture. I just tried to get through the day feeling my best and knowing that I just kicked Monday in the pants. Sometimes I thought, 'Oh my God, I can’t eat another egg white omelet for breakfast and not have a Reese’s McFlurry ever again.' But then I asked myself, 'Can you do it today, Andrea? Just today?' And I could. That question made each day manageable."

Sometimes, no matter what our hurdle or goal, we get into a rhythm and we forget that this (life) is only achieved one day at a time.  If anyone figures out a way to speed that up, you let me know 'cause I'll buy stock in whatever you're selling.

If you are interested in reading 'Andrea's' journey, her site is very inspirational and you can visit at http://www.canyoustayfordinner.com/