A few years ago, I briefly mentioned in my blog that I had
no idea why I was overweight. Why had I
suffered from eating disorders? Why I
was still suffering from self-sabotage, when I had never had any of the tragic
events you hear so often girls have growing up.
I was never abused physically, or mentally. I grew up in a humble, but loving home. My
parents, I kid you not, were about the most amazing parents you could ever
imagine, and still are. I was always the
pretty, petite girl who “should be in modeling.” So why, then, did I start
sabotaging myself at the young age of 13?
Years and years I’ve thought about this.
It bugged me! I
am not supposed to be “broken,” I had a perfect life! Why then, did I stop eating? Why did I eat
desserts with the full intent to go vomit immediately after? Why did I binge, then starve? Why did I drink
a gallon of water before bed with the hope to “flush out the bad” overnight? Why did I later overeat and drink alcohol
excessively? Why, why, why?
Jump ahead to 2011. I
decided that I was too physically uncomfortable in my own skin and felt downright
ugly. I felt that if I didn’t change
something, my size 20 body would rapidly grow to a size they didn’t make
clothes for and I wouldn’t be able to be the parent I wanted to be, and let’s
face it, I would die a lot sooner than I wanted to leave this world.
My husband and his sister are natural born runners. They were designed to run and they’re awesome
at it. I lugged my kids to a few of
their marathon races and 5k’s and was so inspired. Look at all these healthy people running and
the really ‘good’ ones are all so skinny!
I want to be that. And so, I set
out to be just that. I decided that as
my New Year’s Resolution in 2012, I would run one race per month. I ran 14 races in 2012 and I joined Weight
Watchers. I went from a size 20 to a
size 8. People didn’t stop mentioning how in shape I was, asking when my next race
was, asking how my arms could be SO toned and how they could duplicate that, I’m
not going to lie, it was a good year. I
felt great! As long as I continued to run
every day for 3-6 miles and lift weights every day for an hour and keep my
calories in check (or points as the Weight Watchers community calls them) and
avoid excess fun, I could sustain this feeling of being “good.”
Eventually, I figured out that if I starved myself a little more, I could allow myself some wine and if I starved just a little more than that, more wine. I quit Weight Watchers and started obsessing about diets that were even more restrictive. Low carb, no carb, vegan, paleo, keto, you name it, I did it. I always found some other rational, overall healthy “good” reason I told people I was doing it. In reality, I was OBSESSED with what I shouldn’t eat. I had just adopted yet another eating disorder, but that was a seemingly small sacrifice to maintain my new identity.
Over the next 2 years, I sustained this craziness and
maintained a size 8-10. Eventually, I
met new people who didn’t know I had ever been overweight. The comments changed from, “wow, you’ve done
so well, you look so good,” to, “you don’t know what it’s like, you’re fit.” The attention faded and the craziness became
unsustainable as life took over.
In January of 2015, I became sick….really sick. I was not working out much as my job and
family life kept me busier than I had ever been. I’ll spare you the gory details, but
eventually, I was having stomach pains so excruciating and was bleeding
internally. I went to the ER one morning
when I felt too much pain, and let’s face it, was afraid I might be dying. They admitted me to the hospital where they performed
some pretty invasive testing. Two months
and many more tests later, I had a diagnosis of Ulcerative Colitis. Ulcerative Colitis (or often referred to as
UC) is an autoimmune disease where your immune system kicks into overdrive in
response to stress and creates bleeding ulcers in your colon. When you’re having a “flare” as they call it,
you cannot properly digest food and are constantly in the bathroom, often times
passing blood. Fun times! BUT it was not cancer, whew!
Though I did not have cancer, I now had a disease that I
would have to maintain for the rest of my life, because if I don’t, it could
kill me. Nothing like being slapped in
the face with a lifelong disease to get your mind in check. I had to reduce stress and I had to do it
quickly. Luckily, I had the opportunity
to quit my corporate career and move into a career that was much less demanding. That helped reduce the stress I was feeling
from my job. I still, however, was feeling the mental stress of not being good
enough. The voice to be thinner, be
prettier, be fitter, do more races, be better, just kept nagging at me. Instead of listening to what that voice was
saying at face value, I decided to step back to try to find out why the voice
was there in the first place. When the
voice would tell me what I was eating was bad for me, or that I needed to
exercise to lose weight, or that if I ate ice cream I should throw up, or that
I needed to weigh myself to see if I was “good or bad,” or needed to oblige every
request for my time, I would recognize the voice, realize it was irrational and
take steps to make my body less stressed and healthier. And I learned how to say “NO,” both to myself
and others around me, even those I love most.
Keeping stress at bay is a lifelong task, but life is better
than it has ever been….even now, when I’m physically larger than I was, even
now having a disease. Currently I am
learning how to deal with situations where other women vocally self-sabotage
around me. I haven’t fully mastered
these situations yet, but I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t get angry at
them for doing it and I don’t agree with what they are saying just because it’s
the “comfortable” thing to do.
So back to my original question….why did I start sabotaging
myself? It became clear when I asked
myself, what is your story? We all have a story, what was mine? Well, I grew up hearing how beautiful I was,
how little I was, how I should be a model, and then one day that stopped. I was conditioned to think that my identity
was to be small and pretty. If that is
who I was born to be, what was I to do when that was who I no longer was? Then the answer became clear. I was trying to maintain an identity that was
so innocently and effortlessly ingrained into me. It’s that simple.
Though I’ve dealt with my fair share of struggles, as most
people have, I don’t regret any of it.
Do I wish that I had never started a self-sabotaging cycle, maybe, but
then I wouldn’t be the person I am today.
I will tell you that because of everything I’ve gone through and the
changes I’ve made, I am going to try my very hardest to make sure that my children
don’t have to endure this kind of suffering. I focus much of the attention I
used to use sabotaging myself on raising healthy, loving children and a HUGE part
of that is making sure I am healthy mentally and physically for them. After all, we only have one life and we don’t
know how long it is going to be, make it a good one!
